breakdown. no. breakthrough.
ah, just wanted to say that (it's from jerry maguire).
the question is this: can we change parts of ourselves that are deeply embedded? can we really change the way we are? i just dont think so. when i was little i was constantly trying to outdo myself, to prove myself to everyone, and even though im over many of my insecurities, i still find myself doing it. my obsession to prove myself came from my thought that i was from the ghetto side of town, that the valencia kids were richer than the canyon country kids, making me want to prove that i had money to spare. if a friend needed a dollar, i would loan, no i would give that friend a dollar to prove that i could, that i wasn't monetarily inferior.
my other complex, the constant need to prove myself as equal or better than others is rooted at home. my brother used to be a behavior problem, he couldn't sit still, he couldn't keep his mouth shut, he was always getting into trouble. so my parents chose the carrot over the stick and offered him rewards in the form of video games and baseball cards, both things i loved at the time (i was a tomboy, what can i say?). this all worked out for him beautifully, but for me, who had always behaved and brought home good grades, i felt like my parents chose to use the stick on me. so i couldn't just do what i always did, i had to outdo myself to receive their attention back once again. thats how it started and it snowballed from there...i was constantly comparing my weight, grades, allowence to everyone else and trying to be the best, because i thought that what i had always done was no longer enough. although now im better about it, i still care. like when my friends get great grades, im happy for them but at the same time i compare myself. i say to myself "i worked ten times as hard, why aren't my grades as good or better?" and even though im no longer fixated on it, i can't get the thought out of my head. so yes, i can change partially, i can not become too obsessed or consumed with this need to compare, but the need still lies within...
ah, just wanted to say that (it's from jerry maguire).
the question is this: can we change parts of ourselves that are deeply embedded? can we really change the way we are? i just dont think so. when i was little i was constantly trying to outdo myself, to prove myself to everyone, and even though im over many of my insecurities, i still find myself doing it. my obsession to prove myself came from my thought that i was from the ghetto side of town, that the valencia kids were richer than the canyon country kids, making me want to prove that i had money to spare. if a friend needed a dollar, i would loan, no i would give that friend a dollar to prove that i could, that i wasn't monetarily inferior.
my other complex, the constant need to prove myself as equal or better than others is rooted at home. my brother used to be a behavior problem, he couldn't sit still, he couldn't keep his mouth shut, he was always getting into trouble. so my parents chose the carrot over the stick and offered him rewards in the form of video games and baseball cards, both things i loved at the time (i was a tomboy, what can i say?). this all worked out for him beautifully, but for me, who had always behaved and brought home good grades, i felt like my parents chose to use the stick on me. so i couldn't just do what i always did, i had to outdo myself to receive their attention back once again. thats how it started and it snowballed from there...i was constantly comparing my weight, grades, allowence to everyone else and trying to be the best, because i thought that what i had always done was no longer enough. although now im better about it, i still care. like when my friends get great grades, im happy for them but at the same time i compare myself. i say to myself "i worked ten times as hard, why aren't my grades as good or better?" and even though im no longer fixated on it, i can't get the thought out of my head. so yes, i can change partially, i can not become too obsessed or consumed with this need to compare, but the need still lies within...
