mood: weirded out
caffeine units: 0 - good girl!
song of the day: "breakdown" - mariah carey
During the past few days the weirdest thing has happened and I'm not really sure what I should do or how I feel about the whole thing. Thus, I will explain everything here and hopeful venting it all out will help me come to some sort of solution, or rather, resolution.
FLASHBACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's 8th grade, about a month before graduation. My group of friends all of a sudden decides they do not want to be my friends anymore. No matter how hard I try or who I talk to, I am never told why. Frustrated, hurt, confused, luckily I had some friends outside the group who helped me through it. We graduate.
They go to Canyon HS (which before this I had been begging my mom to let me go to), I go to Valencia HS, and life goes on. But its different now. I'm different. I'm more cautious, less trustworthy of new people I meet. Will these people one day leave me all alone and never tell me why? I clam up, I become shier then before, my confidence is at a low point.
Summer of 10th grade, I play AYSO soccer, and guess who is on my team? My former "best friend" from junior high. I consider quitting, but decide that I can be mature about it and be over it. The question is: what is it I needed to get over? I still have no clue why 8th grade ended the way it did. So I decide to ask her. One day she needed a ride home from practice so I offered. She accepted because I was the only ride. As I approached her house I asked her why, she said she didn't know, that she couldn't remember. I tell her to think harder and that I'm over it but I just would like some closure, some sort of explanation. She once again says she can't remember.
She gets out of the car and I never bother with it again. I figure its in the past and it's just going to stay there, whether I have closure or not.
END FLASHBACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two days ago I went to see Finding Nemo (highly recommended) with my friend Michelle. Michelle works with T (my jr high "best friend") and invited her along, after checking with me to see if it was ok. That conversation went like this:
"I sort of invited T. Is that ok?"
"Does she know I'm going?"
"Yeah."
"She's ok with that?"
"Yeah."
"Well, I don't care if she comes, as long as she's ok with me being there."
So I went, and when I saw her, I was reminded of the past. Random memories that had been crammed deep down inside of me popped out and would not go away. I clammed up and didn't talk before/after the movie. I felt awkward and I didn't want to be there.
I figured after that I would just never see her again. Then, last night, Michelle brought over a letter she wrote to me apologizing for the past. It attempted to explain the events that unfolded in 8th grade although it never answers my question of why. She said basically that one person in the group turned everyone against me and the rest of them sort of went with it. That makes sense, it was jr high after all. She says she doesn't know what it was about.
So the question is: what now? Yes I can forgive her for something that happened in jr high. But if that happens, now what? Do we attempt a friendship? Or do I just get the closure I have been looking for and move on with my life?
The plan for now: invite T to coffee, talk everything over in detail. I need to know whatever it is she remembers, because I was kept in the dark this whole time. She needs to know how I feel and what that did to my life. Then again, she was just part of a group, even though she was the person I was closest with in the group.
I need closure. I hate needing closure but I do. Especially since seeing her has pretty much opened a Pandora's Box of bad memories...
caffeine units: 0 - good girl!
song of the day: "breakdown" - mariah carey
During the past few days the weirdest thing has happened and I'm not really sure what I should do or how I feel about the whole thing. Thus, I will explain everything here and hopeful venting it all out will help me come to some sort of solution, or rather, resolution.
FLASHBACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's 8th grade, about a month before graduation. My group of friends all of a sudden decides they do not want to be my friends anymore. No matter how hard I try or who I talk to, I am never told why. Frustrated, hurt, confused, luckily I had some friends outside the group who helped me through it. We graduate.
They go to Canyon HS (which before this I had been begging my mom to let me go to), I go to Valencia HS, and life goes on. But its different now. I'm different. I'm more cautious, less trustworthy of new people I meet. Will these people one day leave me all alone and never tell me why? I clam up, I become shier then before, my confidence is at a low point.
Summer of 10th grade, I play AYSO soccer, and guess who is on my team? My former "best friend" from junior high. I consider quitting, but decide that I can be mature about it and be over it. The question is: what is it I needed to get over? I still have no clue why 8th grade ended the way it did. So I decide to ask her. One day she needed a ride home from practice so I offered. She accepted because I was the only ride. As I approached her house I asked her why, she said she didn't know, that she couldn't remember. I tell her to think harder and that I'm over it but I just would like some closure, some sort of explanation. She once again says she can't remember.
She gets out of the car and I never bother with it again. I figure its in the past and it's just going to stay there, whether I have closure or not.
END FLASHBACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two days ago I went to see Finding Nemo (highly recommended) with my friend Michelle. Michelle works with T (my jr high "best friend") and invited her along, after checking with me to see if it was ok. That conversation went like this:
"I sort of invited T. Is that ok?"
"Does she know I'm going?"
"Yeah."
"She's ok with that?"
"Yeah."
"Well, I don't care if she comes, as long as she's ok with me being there."
So I went, and when I saw her, I was reminded of the past. Random memories that had been crammed deep down inside of me popped out and would not go away. I clammed up and didn't talk before/after the movie. I felt awkward and I didn't want to be there.
I figured after that I would just never see her again. Then, last night, Michelle brought over a letter she wrote to me apologizing for the past. It attempted to explain the events that unfolded in 8th grade although it never answers my question of why. She said basically that one person in the group turned everyone against me and the rest of them sort of went with it. That makes sense, it was jr high after all. She says she doesn't know what it was about.
So the question is: what now? Yes I can forgive her for something that happened in jr high. But if that happens, now what? Do we attempt a friendship? Or do I just get the closure I have been looking for and move on with my life?
The plan for now: invite T to coffee, talk everything over in detail. I need to know whatever it is she remembers, because I was kept in the dark this whole time. She needs to know how I feel and what that did to my life. Then again, she was just part of a group, even though she was the person I was closest with in the group.
I need closure. I hate needing closure but I do. Especially since seeing her has pretty much opened a Pandora's Box of bad memories...
